I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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