Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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