Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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