His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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