Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Are we still banned from the library?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
