Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
