i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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