so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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