My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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