I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How does it feel to date your dad?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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