Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
