Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
