Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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