i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
