Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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