So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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