I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
