There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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