I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
