I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
