If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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