I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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