i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
