Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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