this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
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I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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