You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
