It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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