Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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