Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
