I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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