So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
