Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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