I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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