strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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