I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
