someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You are the jesus of drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
