Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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