my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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