go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
