i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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