I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
