you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
