Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
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I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
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If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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