She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
