Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
