Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize