Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
