my mouth tastes like poor choices
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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