I wannas sexs uuuuu
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
