You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
