What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
