I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Houston, we have a squirter
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
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The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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