Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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