The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
