I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
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I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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