On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
you had me at cake vodka
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
