At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
two words...techno handjob
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
