you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
