rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
