My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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